First Movie

I believe the first movie I saw in the theater was The Bear with my mother. I don't remember anything about the movie except that it was about a bear. It wasn't even the first movie I guessed at after putting "the bear" into IMDb. (The review of the first one, by Donald Williams, is pretty funny) It's only noteworthy because on Christmas Eve I told my daughter that Mamutė took me to my first movie, The Bear. What was it about? A bear. What did he do? Bear stuff, in the woods.

The first movie my daughter saw was A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey as 80% of the characters. In addition to the story of my first movie, I had to explain basically the whole story to her beforehand, because I didn't think she'd get it quickly enough during all the Hollywood action. Too, I had to explain that it's just a movie, and she should close her eyes if she gets scared. And that ghosts are like monsters, they're not real (luckily she didn't ask me about the holy ghost). This was especially important because it's a 3D movie--she did bury her head under my arm several times.

We both liked it very much. She liked "at the end, when the man was nice." I was a little confused seeing the actors in multiple roles; I only knew that Jim Carrey had several of them, I didn't know all the actors did. But the acting was great, I laughed out loud several times. My greatest criticism is that there was too much action at the expense of story, I think. I have to read the story now to be sure.

First Word

The four and a half month old just gargled out her first word: "Negalima." I guess she takes after her mother!

What a whiner

Dukra: atspek kokia detale paemiau
Mama: nekelk to zemelapio - iskris viskas
Dukra: nu atspek
Mama: as nezinau
Dukra: oi, viskas iskrito
Mama: as juk sakiau, kad iskris
Dukra: as dabar pykstu ant visu
Mama: kodel ant visu
Dukra: nes jus man nieko nepaaiskinot
Dukra: tada as tik ant taves pykstu
Mama: kodel? as juk sakiau, kad iskris
Dukra: bet nesakei, kad padeti ant stalo atgal reikia
Mama: as maniau turi siek tiek proto ir pati sugalvosi
Dukra: as negalvoju
Mama: isvis negalvoji?
Dukra: niekada negalvoju kai tu esi, galvoju kai taves nera
Mama: ka cia nusisneki?
Dukra: as pykstu ir pykstu ant taves, ir esu pikta ir susiraukus esu
Mama: nu ir buk
Dukra: paziurek i mano veida, kokia susiraukus
Mama: nejuokink
Dukra: tai tu man paaiskink viska ir as nebusiu tada tokia susiraukus
Mama: ka paaiskinti
Dukra: paaiskink ka man reikejo daryti, kad nenukristu tas zemelapis
Mama: reikejo ant stalo padeti
Dukra: dabar ant taves jau maziau pykstu

Quarantine?

For some reason Lithuanians call school being canceled due to an outbreak "quarantine." They told me they don't have to go to school because their school has a quarantine. I asked them if all the sick kids are being isolated in the school, but they said no. They even thought that sounded bizarre. Well, I'm not the not who said the school was being quarantined!

Apparently the deal in Lithuania is that if 40% of students are sick then schools is canceled.

In similar news the absentee rate at my daughter's kindergarten has reached 85%. Once it got up to 80% I said to the wife, screw this, let's take her out before she gets sick instead of after!

The Prisoner

Yesterday in my TOEFL class were were practicing Speaking, and the question was "What is your favorite holiday?" One kid joked that New Year's Eve was his favorite holiday because he couldn't remember most of his last one. He asked me if I remember what I did for last New Year's Eve, and I said, "Of course I do, I'm married with children!" Everyone burst out laughing. Apparently, I accidentally blurted it out in a way that made my statement sound like a lamentation: they said I sounded like a prisoner.

Groupthink

Dear Reader, I wrote a post on my other blog. I wasn't sure if it fit better there, because it's about my work, or here, because it's work I do with my daughter, and it'd work nicely under the conversations of consequence label. I decided it was more about work than the kid, so it's right over there for you to take a look.

Who's stupid now?

My daughter's scrambled eggs and toast weren't even close to eaten by the end of a Simpsons episode my father would love.

I said: Are you gonna be eating your breakfast forever?
She said: How I gonna do that?
I said: I mean you're eating so slowly, you're never going to be done.
She said: I'm eating.
I said: But your food's cold now. If you can't eat with the TV on, maybe next time you can't eat in front of the TV.
She said: Next time you not gonna remember.
I said: Oh you just stepped in a pile of it.

Softening Curse Words

God Fuckin Damn It = Godfried Daniel*
Son of a Bitch = Son of a Bee Sting
Piece of Shit = Piece of Shiz
Asshole = Asinine
Blet = Blast†

Fuckface = ________?
Bastard = _______?

*Godfried Daniel is a curse word taken from the ridiculous Fire Sign Theater, the Beatles of Comedy.
† If you feel, after saying Blast, that you're not done swearing yet, you can extend it to Blast from the Past

Which job is whose?

Tete: if you're taking your plate to the kitchen, take this one too.
Daughter: but that's not my plate!
Tete: well, you're always saying you want to help, so here's a chance to help! You gotta take all the plates, not just your own.
Daughter: but I'm not Mama, I'm just a girl!

She's as lazy as her father.

I'm in love with a Fairy Tale

On the last ride home it was time to kill some time, and my daughter's made up songs about whatever crosses her field of vision were getting monotonous. Not to thwart her creative instinct, I suggested she tell us a story. She didn't know what I meant, so I told her:

One day you and your sister were playing outside and a stranger offered you some candy. You agreed without asking me or Mama. He took you into the woods for the candy. You had a sandwich that I made you and every few yards you tossed a crumb of the sandwich on the ground. After a while you were in the middle of the woods and the stranger said you'll never go home again. Then he took a nap, and because you'd left a trail with my sandwich you found your way home.

See, I said, now you tell a story, I said to my daughter. Here's her story:

One day somebody offered us some candy and we went to ask you and Mama if we can take it.

Clever girl.

Jesus!

My special kid's been talking to everyone about the upcoming baby. Yesterday she mentioned it to my mother-in-law's friend. My special lady thinks our daughter then explained to him where babies come from impatiently, as if to an idiot, but I think it was something else. I think my kid knew somebody was messing with her, took offense, and spat back the last sentence of the conversation:

Friend: where's the baby going to come from?
Kid: Mama's belly.
How did it get in there, did Mama eat it???
No! Jesus put it there!

Bittersweet Anniversary

We began the day with my special lady's current breakfast of choice: kefir pancakes. Followed that up with exchanging gifts, which was awesome. I got her a guitar and arranged for a couple books from the states, not just for the anniversary, but to have something fun to do during the upcoming two year maternity leave. She got me amber cuff links, amazing. Then we spent a nice day together, including making strawberry jam and strawberry ice cream.

The unfortunate part of the day was dinner. We couldn't make reservations at Žaldokynė, where we held our wedding reception, because they didn't answer their phones, and their website was down. We drove out there anyway since it's not far from home, and there's a kebab place across the street as a hilarious alternative to a nice dinner. They were indeed closed, with a sign on the door saying they're closed "today." There was an Armenian place open right next door now though where we went instead of the kebab place. Aside from the microwaved fried black bread with cheese, my medium rare beef being cooked medium and my special lady's mediocre pork chop, the waitress told us Žaldokynė has been closed for six months.

It's a real shame. Our wedding reception was a total blast. People whose own children had been married just months ago told us they'd never been to such a fun wedding. Lots of good people, good music, just the right amount of booze, good food, good times. It was so fun my father offered to host the same crowd at the same place for our five year anniversary--I can't remember ever seeing him jollier than that! Alas, looks like the place is beat. It doesn't look sold, though, the sign is still up, so let's all hope the republicans make a come back and end the crisis. Or better yet, the objectivists!

Father's Day

For Father's Day my four year old daughter and unborn baby got me a manicure and pedicure. It was quite nice to be pampered (not literally, of course). I guess this was because after I saw Ocean's 13 I might have expressed curiosity about the procedures. It was relaxing, and rather funny: I kept laughing during the pedicure whenever the pedicurist tickled my feet, which was constantly.

That was on Saturday, cause the place is closed Sundays. Today my ladies made breakfast for me, the super delicious breakfast they only they have the patience to make: crepes with curd filling. Fantastic!

Confusion

My kid was helping me prep dinner yesterday. I gave her things like forks and beers to bring into the dining room (bed room). On her last trip there I told her, "Tell Mama to turn on an episode of Lois and Clark."

She glared at me and totally scrunched up her face, and if I had said something impossible to understand, and said, "Lois and Clark?! You mean Superman???"

Did you ever skip something important on your way to work?

I'm trying to figure out the exact moment it slipped my mind...I got into the correct lane to make the turn combination to make the stop. After the first turn I was still on track. I think that's when it was: there was a slow car in front of me, and half way through passing him I just didn't get back into the right lane and continued forward on my way to work. I guess that's probably the moment it slipped my mind. I do know the exact moment when I remembered, just after I missed the second turn I was supposed to make. It was when I heard an unexpected voice from the back seat: "Tete, I gotta go to kindergarten!"

Like Mama, eh?

Before my wife's return from a business trip this week, I struggled to get our pigsty ready to please her, to transform it into a model home. I wasn't about to do it by myself, though, so my daughter spent a couple days cleaning her room too. On my way out of her room, she asked, "Tete where you going?"

"To the kitchen."

"What you gonna do there?"

"Clean it up."

"Why?"

"So it's clean!"

Smirking, she remarked, "You're like Mama!"

Parting ways--for seconds, or for EVER?!

My wife left for the weekend, and that schedules us for a bout with Rota Virus. I opted for home treatment, and was utterly successful in curing my daughter promptly myself: all you have to do is drink a half gallon of fluids per day plus however much you puke or poop. Cured as she might be, it still wasn't a fun weekend, so the wife suggested I take her someplace fun on Sunday.

She couldn't think of anywhere she wanted to go (she just wanted the TV to be on all day), but on our walk to the ATM she found something exciting: mini cars kids can drive around in 6 minutes for 5 lits. Super. Good time, just that she has trouble keeping the peddle pressed down. The dude suggest putting it on autopilot so that she doesn't have to; okay, what's the harm in that?

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" she screamed, as she tried to escape from the moving vehicle. I don't know exactly h0w fast it was going, certainly no faster than a lawnmower. She sort of half way fell out by the time I ran over to pick her up.

As we walked home from the unpleasantness, I asked her why she tried to get out. Turns out she couldn't see me anymore, and forgot that she can turn the steering wheel to change course. Her logical conclusion, given what knowledge she could summon at the moment, was that she was going to drive away from me and I would never be able to get to her, at least not until she got into an accident and possibly died: I wasn't sure if by "go away," which she repeated several times, she merely meant meters or maybe mortality.

The consequences have come to pass.

Remember when I wondered if I was telling my daughter the right thing about where babies come from? Well, today my wife and kid had this conversation:

Kid: Look, I have a baby in my belly!
Wife: Oh yeah?
Yeah.
How'd that happen, who put it there?
The cross.
Who?!
The cross!
What cross?
You know, Jesus Mary!

In Lithuanian when something unexpected happens people sometimes exclaim Jesus Mary (as in English people used to exclain Jesus Mary and Joseph). So I guess that's what she considers to be God's name.

Fools

I didn't fool too many people, but I had some fun.

Work:
One colleague left the office and when she came back I told her that someone had called for her. I gave her my special wife's phone number and told her it was Violeta (my wife's office mate). I fooled my colleague into calling, but my wife wasn't fooled into passing the call on to Violeta by default because she was out sick. Default sucks.

I told another colleague the boss was looking for her, and so she went and foolishly interrupted the boss to ask what she wanted.

Home:
Did one of you tell my daughter it was April Fool's Day? Because on the way home from kindergarten she cried out "Where's my hat?!" When my special wife turned around to check the hat status, the perfectly well-hatted child started laughing at her!

When I came home and put my keys in the door I heard the kid run to the door and start shouting Tete Tete Tete. I didn't unlock the door and stood there silently until she didn't think I was there anymore. Then I unlocked the door and pounced inside in a flurry and yelled.

My special wife, whom I love very much and I still find sexually attrative, asked me for some lemonade. So I brought her some with a bit of vinigar mixed it. She got very mad. It totally wasn't bad though, I finished off the remaining 400 ml of it myself. Daughter even said it was tasty.

You think so?

Yesterday I got a shave and a haircut. When my daughter saw my new beard, she said, "Mama's gonna get mad?"

Where do babies come from? The belly button.

Look, it's my baby (a stuffed animal dressed in baby clothes).
Its your baby?
Yeah, it's my baby, I'm her mother.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
So who's the father?
You my friend.
No, I'm nobody's friend, I'm your father, now who's the baby's father?
No, I'm the baby's mother, and you the baby's father.
Oh, so I'm your husband then?
No, you just my friend.
Well that's inappropriate.

In other news, she's been asking where babies come from. Since she assumed they come out the belly button, we didn't see the harm in agreeing with that. Then she started asking how babies get into mothers' bellies to begin with. I told her God puts them in there with magic. Was that the right thing to say?

Dinner Plans

Tėtė: What should I make for diner tonight?
She: Bread.
Tėtė: What kind of bread?
She: Bread that you can eat?
Tėtė: There's lots of different kinds of bread, which one do you want?
She: Mmm...maybe nachos?
Tėtė: We had nachos for dinner last night!
She: We did?
Tėtė: Yes!
She: We eat nachos?
Tėtė: Yes, we're not going to have them again. What else do you want for dinner?
She: I said nachos!
Tėtė: I said no nachos, what's your next choice?
She: Um...nachos I said.
Tėtė: What's your next choice, besides nachos?
She: Chips.
Tėtė: Chips are nachos, choose something else!
She: I said nachos.
Tėtė: Something else! Not nachos!
She: I don't know.
Tėtė: You better choose something or you're going to get something you don't like.
She: I don't know.
Tėtė: Alright, then it's gonna be spinach and tomatos. Spicy spinach and tomatos.
She: Why?!
Tėtė: Because you're not tellin me what you want.
She: I uh want...you can make this...tomatos...and this broccoli...you can make uh...meat...and tomato.
Tėtė: You like tomatos now?!
She: I like tomatos, and I like meat and boccali.
Tėtė: What kind of meat?
She: [sigh] Like we eat last night.
Tėtė: We had nachos last night, there was no meat.
She: No, not nachos...I talking...I'm talking about meat! Like last night, but not now last night, last night!
Tėtė: Yeah, last night was nachos, are you talking about another night?
She: No, about meat! Like long long long time we eat meat.
Tėtė: A long time ago?
She: Yea.
Tėtė: In a galaxy far, far away?
She: No-oh!

That's how I was raised and I turned out TV

Ironically, I've been the one limiting television time in my family. I have to do this because whenever my kid wakes up, or gets home, or sees me come home, she immediately says "I wanna watch..." and then thinks about what she should ask for. I don't know if she's strategically asking for sometime I'm more likely to be interested in myself (increasing her chances of getting a Yes), but lately her favorate TV show is "Rested Deaf Elephant."

Gift Ideas

For her birthday this year my kid and I signed my wife up for Pregnant Lady Training. It’s an exercise program for pregnant woman that teaches them basic, low intensity exercises that are safe and good for them. Their husbands can participate too. My deputy is also pregnant; she has just one week of work left before going on sick leave, so they’ll work out when they can both go together (my deputy’s husband lives in Italy, so it’ll be fun if they can go together). As I understand it six weeks before you’re due you go on state sponsored “sick leave,” and as soon as you give birth either you or your husband goes on state sponsored “maternity/paternity leave.” (Actually you both go on leave for one month, and then one of you stays on leave for two years with pay, and an additional year without pay)

When will the "r"s begin?

"What we gonna have for dinner, Tete?"
"Dirty Rice."
"Doody rice?"
"No, 'Dirty!'"
"Doody? We gonna eat doody?"
"No no no, 'doody' means 'poopy!' We're going to eat 'Dirty Rice!'"
"We not gonna eat 'doody,' we gonna eat 'doody??'"

Where have people's brains gone?

This is a continuation of this post on where people's brains have gone.

I thought I was the only one who would threaten my kid for her left handedness(only behind her back of course). It was only a joke, obviously. That is, for me it was only a joke.

My wife noticed special my baby started eating with her right hand a few days ago, and asked her why. She was ordered to do so in kindergarten. This morning I took her in to kindergarten and figured out who had done that and confronted her. She denied it. But my special baby told me once again right in front of the accused that she had definitely told her that she has to eat with her right hand. I went to the principal and lodged a complaint, noting that such "corrections" should have ended along with the Soviet Union. Oddly, that's exactly what my colleague at work said when I told her.

I have the same conclusion I had on the incident linked to above: why don't (insert idiot) use your mouth to discover something before you say something really stupid?